Babysitting Woes
by Little Kunai
Summary: In which Hidan and Temari go househunting and ask Kakuzu to babysit their twins and niece. Hilarity ensues
1. Making Arrangements

**Babysitting Woes**

**Pandemonium AU written for Fifilafemme**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Naruto,**

**All second gen OCs are mine though. I also do not own Mortal Kombat ™, McDonalds ™ Burger King ™, or In n Out ™**

**In which Hidan and Temari go shopping for a bigger house and need a babysitter,**

**Kakuzu overcharges, the girls escape for a night out on the town and hilarity ensues**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

**Making Arrangements**

Gaara and Yugure had had to go out of country for political talks with Iwa and had asked his sister to watch their daughter Tsuru. She had already been there for one week, raising hell in the cramped apartment with her cousin Usagi.

"Girls turn down the TV! I'm on the damn phone here!"

The TV was turned down and both girls tried to listen in.

"Look Kakuzu, I have to go house shopping this week and I need you to watch the kids."

He paused to listen.

The girls moved closer, Jashin rolled his eyes at his nosy sister and cousin, they were being way too obvious and his dad hated it when people got into his business.

"It's in River Country, I need to be closer to the temple, she needs to be close to her job and we need to get the hell outta this cramped dump-"

He was interrupted.

"Yes I know its a couple days away asshole! That's why I need a fucking babysitter!"

"Oh come on! A hardened ass war vet like you can handle a couple of fucking teenagers!"

Another silence.

"Why can't they watch themselves?" He seemed at temporary loss for words.

"Because they're fourteen and fifteen! That's why!" It was a weak argument and he knew it.

Then Hidan gave the phone a sadistic grin.

"Oh no. They're no trouble, no trouble at all."

The grin was wiped off his face.

"You want how much? That's out-fucking-rageous! Fine! Fine ya greedy motherfucker I'll pay it! See ya later!

"Fucking scrooge is gonna break me one of these days." He grumbled.

"Temari! I found a babysitter!" He bellowed.

His wife was very different from the priest she'd married. Though she had a vicious temper, she was cool, calm and collected.

"Who?" She asked.

"That grumpy old fuck Kakuzu. He'll be here in half an hour."

Temari frowned. There was a reason she didn't ask Kakuzu to baby sit. He had overcharged them once when the twins were babies and once the when they were four. But there really _was _no one else available at such short notice.

"I was hoping to leave before traffic got to heavy." Temari said.

Then turned to her daughter and her niece. "Be good for Kakuzu."

Her tone suggested there'd be hell to pay otherwise.

Hidan mentally urged them to make the old man's life as miserable as possible, and knowing how his daughter and niece were together, they'd definitely get unplanned revenge for him for being charged Per Kid

"I gotta go get the car washed. I'll be back soon, what do you guys want for lunch?"

"McDonalds!" Usagi said.

"I can't eat that!" Her father growled. "It gave me the shits for days."

"In n Out." Jashin said.

"Taco Bell!" Tsuru said at the same time Jashin did.

Temari considered.

"In n Outs closest to the house, I'll stop there on my way back."

Usagi glared at her brother.

"You always get your way."

He ignored her.


	2. The Baby sitter Cometh

**Babysitting Woes**

**Chapter Two**

**The Babysitter Cometh**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Naruto,**

**All second gen OCs are mine though. I also do not own Mortal Kombat ™, McDonalds ™ Burger King ™, or In n Out ™**

**In which Hidan and Temari go shopping for a bigger house and need a babysitter,**

**Kakuzu overcharges, the girls escape for a night out on the town and hilarity ensues**

* * *

><p>Jashin settled down to start his homework and Usagi's phone started going off. She picked it up, saw who it was and scowled.<p>

"How the hell did Tenshi get my phone number?" She muttered.

Tenshi was the oldest of five and her younger brother Tojimaru was best friends with Jashin.

Temari had volunteered Usagi and Tsuru to baby sit the two youngest Uchiha children and that was when Usagi had met Tenshi. Needless to say, it had been hate at first sight.

She retreated to her room and slid the touch screen up.

"What do you want?" She demanded.

"Just getting ready to drop my lil brother off for his study date with Jashin." Tenshi purred.

It was no secret that Tenshi had a slight crush on Jashin.

"Oh, listen you know Kakashi Hatake right?"

"What about him?" Usagi asked, trying to sound uninterested.

"Well I hear he's going to be taking strip lessons at the Red Dawn's Club this weekend and Kaguya and I are going to go see him."

"Yeah so?" Usagi mentally drooled at the thought of Kakashi Hatake, the famous movie star, who was going to be playing in a movie about a young stripper, who was secretly working undercover for the FBI to bust mobsters.

"Well I was just wondering if you had the guts to go?" Tenshi sneered

Usagi's growled a little at the implied insult. She and Jashin were often teased at school for having a super conservative priest for a father.

"Wouldn't miss it." She said and promptly hung up.

She stalked into the room.

"So your studying with Toji huh?"

Jashin sighed. "Yes."

"Why? It's not like we've got any big tests coming up."

"Yeah Jashin, lighten up it's Friday." Tsuru piped up.

"Unlike you, I happen to care about my grades." He said irritably.

His sister scoffed. "What kind of idiot _Studies _on the weekends?"

"At least I'm not the idiot who got grounded on the weekend." He shot back.

"Did you say something big brother?" She growled.

Jashin grit his teeth, his sister was downright vicious.

"No." He muttered, hating that she still managed to intimidate him all these years.

"That's what I thought." She said smugly.

Usagi caught Tsuru's eye and the two went to her room.

* * *

><p>Kakuzu groaned as the traffic continued to get worse. That idiot Hidan did know that he lived a half hour away and that traffic was bad on the weekends right? He did know that gas had just gone up a whole 60 cents didn't he? Why did he put up with him? And why the hell couldn't the kids watch themselves? They were definitely old enough. He could only have come to one conclusion, these kids were trouble-makers and the ultra-conservative priest didn't want them doing anything illegal in his absence. Kakuzu was suddenly very glad that he'd demanded extra pay.<p>

* * *

><p>"Guess what I brought Jashin!" Tsuru said excitedly.<p>

"What?" He asked.

"The new Mortal Kombat!"

"Really? Where'd you get that from?" Jashin asked. He liked Mortal Kombat.

"Jiraiya lent it to me."

"Suh-weet!" Usagi said. "Let's play!"

Jashin eyed his school work.

"We could make it a bet." Usagi said.

"What kinda bet?"

"The losers have to do the winner's homework for a week." Usagi said.

"I'm not having either of you mess up my homework. Loser has to do Winner's chores for a week."

"Deal."

Tsuru grimaced as she watched Jashin take the controller. She'd never been good at fighting games and now she was stuck with the chores.

Jashin selected Raiden and Usagi picked Baraka. The fight was on.

* * *

><p>20 minutes later, Kakuzu walked up to the door the house and pushed the doorbell.<p>

"Tsuru! Get the door!"

A moment later a black haired girl with the strangest green gray eyes he'd ever seen stared at him uncomprehendingly.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm Kakuzu."

"Oh. C'mon in."

"Your goin down motherfucker!" Usagi taunted.

"We'll see." Jashin replied.

Kakuzu sat down on the couch and watched with unconcealed disgust at the virtual death match on the screen.

Really? What was it with kids and excessive violence these days?

"Fatality! Raiden wins!" The dark voice boomed.

Jashin shot up in victory. "Bow down to the thunder god baby!"

"The only God Your going to bow down to is Jashin! What blasphemy is this about a fucking thunder god?"

Kakuzu's eyebrow twitched as Hidan an Temari walked in with fast food bags in their arms.

"It's a game dad." Usagi said.

"Well I don't want that shit in this house if its got fucking thunder gods in it!"

The three teens ignored him.

"Hope you like scrubbing walls all week Usagi." Her brother smiled.

"When did you get here?" Temari asked as she set down the bags.

Tsuru jumped up and made a grab for the nearest one.

"Don't be such an oinker! Prayers first you heathen shit!"

"Hidan don't call her a heathen shit." His wife warned.

"Bout five minutes ago." Kakuzu replied, accepting a burger and fries from Temari.

"God dammit I said Prayers first!"

"Hidan!" Temari was beginning to get a little angry.

"But-"

"Sit! Eat!" She commanded.

"I'm not a fucking dog!" He grumbled, but sat down and began to say his prayers.

Usagi and Jashin said their prayers hastily, even though neither twin was religious and began to eat.

Temari and Hidan left and Kakuzu cringed as Usagi began blasting rap. He had a feeling it would be a miserable weekend. He had no idea how miserable it would be.


	3. Humiliation

**Babysitting Woes**

**Chapter Three **

**Humiliation**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Naruto,**

**All second gen OCs are mine though. I also do not own Mortal Kombat ™, McDonalds ™ Burger King ™, or In n Out ™**

**In which Hidan and Temari go shopping for a bigger house and need a babysitter,**

**Kakuzu overcharges, the girls escape for a night out on the town and hilarity ensues**

* * *

><p>He sat the girls down to finish their homework, Usagi had finished first and he scanned it. The green eyed kid was staring down in mute frustration.<p>

"Your checking my homework?" Usagi asked.

"Just to see if it's done." Kakuzu answered as he headed towards the bathroom.

"Whatever."

The doorbell rang.

He stopped for a moment as Usagi ran to get it.

"Oh hey Toji." She drawled as she let them in. Then swore when she realized her mistake.

Tojimaru and Tenshi looked up at the strange man, one with confusion, the other with a malicious smile.

Toji sent his friend a questioning look as he walked away.

Jashin's cheeks burned.

"Who's that?" Tenshi asked innocently.

"Uh…" He muttered.

Tsuru grinned weakly. "My…ex…uncle?"

"Your ex-uncle." Tenshi repeated.

"Yeah, gonna take us to school…have some family time…make sure we don't burn down the house…just check up on us ya know…heh heh…"

"But you take the bus." She pointed out.

All three teens silently swore.

"You know Toji, Jashin was just saying that he'd like to go to your house and study." Usagi quickly as she ushered him out the door.

Her brother didn't resist.

"Ooh-kay."

"We'll have him back by eight." Tenshi could not help but make a snide dig.

Usagi glared as she slammed the door behind her.

"You need a babysitter?" She crowed in delight. "That's pathetic! How old are you again?"

"Say…one…more…word…and I'll knock your teeth down your throat Tenshi Uchiha!" Usagi hissed.

"Ohh I don't think so, not with your _ex-uncle _hanging around _Usagi-chan. _By the way, don't bother showing up to see Kakashi Hatake. We don't need little kids embarrassing us."

Jashin sunk lower in the seat, cheeks still burning. He'd never been so embarrassed.

Back inside, Kakuzu had no idea why the green-eyed kid suddenly insisted on calling him uncle.

* * *

><p><span><strong>Author's Note:<strong>

To my Pandemonium viewers, you just got a taste of two of the Uchiha kids that Kakuzu's team will meet later in Konoha

and yes, Usagi and Tenshi hate each other's guts and Jashin and Tojimaru will click instantly.

And does anyone know why titles are being placed on the far left? I've updated this thing twice and it doesn't want to center!


	4. At the Red Dawn's

**Babysitting Woes**

**Chapter Four**

**At The Red Dawn's**

* * *

><p>Being babysat for the next couple of days was awkward and embarrassing, but Usagi and Tsuru were on their Jashin-damned best behavior. Which Kakuzu would have been grateful for if not Jashin's suspicious looks.<p>

When he was in the shower, Usagi and Tsuru were getting dressed for their little escapade. Usagi had curled their hair and put on a sparkling, strapless silver dress to make her look older. She had dolled Tsuru up too, so they could try and match their fake ids.

They threw down their high heels, clambered out of the apartment window to the fire escape ladder and took off for the Red Dawn Club.

Tenshi and Kaguya Fujin were waiting in line when they caught sight of the pair.

"I thought I told you babies not to show up."

"As if we need your permission." Usagi sneered.

"By the way your going to keep your mouth shut about our _uncle_."

"And what make you think I'm gonna do that?"

"Because I've got your folks on speed dial."

"Oh yeah? Well two can play that game." Tenshi smirked.

"Not really, see, you have my number, but you don't have my parents cell." Usagi smiled viciously as Tenshi steamed.

"So we're all gonna go in there and pretend like we're the bestest friends ever…Tenshiko." She patted the Uchiha on the head and smiled brightly as though they were the best of friends.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile at home, Kakuzu had noticed that the girls were nowhere in the apartment and was grilling the boy. He was a little anxious because Hidan and Temari were coming back tonight and if they weren't here, he wouldn't get paid.<p>

"You better not be covering up for them boy. Are you sure you don't know where they might have gone?"

"I remember them saying s-something about the Red Dawn's Club." He gulped.

This man was frightening.

"Stay here. I'm going to go check." He growled.

* * *

><p>Inside the club, Tsuru was giggling nervously.<p>

"Shut up!" Tenshi hissed, "Your gonna get us noticed."

They stared in nervous anticipation as a sexy red-head with golden amber eyes, slunk and moved to some dark 80's rock ballad.

"Look," Kaguya whispered and all animosity vanished, "it's him…it's Kakashi Hatake."

They stared as a silver haired, grey eyed man, lean and muscular grabbed onto the pole and began working it expertly.

"I dare you to go slip a dollar in his speedo." Usagi giggled.

"I dare you to do it too." Tenshi whispered.

But neither moved.

"I'll do it." Tsuru whispered, her face was as red as a tomato and her hand was trembling as it inched forward.

"I can't believe she's gonna do it." Kaguya gasped.

Kakashi raised a sexy eyebrow as Tsuru slipped it in, face getting redder and redder as she timidly backed away.

The whole group squealed and not to be outdone, hastily crammed money into his speedo.

The movie star looked very amused under his "sexy ninja mask" and winked at them.

"Kakashi." They sighed as one, swaying dreamily to the loud rock as more women flocked towards him.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile Kakuzu was busy arguing with the bouncer.<p>

"I need to get in here." He demanded.

"I'm sorry sir, but it's Lady's Night, only male staff are allowed in. " Zetsu explained.

He was taller then Kakuzu but not nearly as beefy and he was the strangest person Kakuzu had ever seen with his green hair, sharp filed teeth and black and white face. Kids today and their idiotic fashion-sense. His old man woulda whooped his ass if he'd gone out in such outlandish get-up.

"Oh. Is that our newest stripper?" A sultry voice asked.

"Zetsu let him in."

Kakuzu couldn't answer when a very…_busty_ blonde came and grabbed him, her honey brown eyes raking him over as she felt the bulging muscles in his arm and led him away towards the back before either man could protest.

Kakuzu swore that if those kids were in there, he was going to tie them to a chair until their parents got home. He could only hope traffic was really bad tonight.

* * *

><p>Traffic was moving quickly and Hidan and Temari were on their way home and Tsuru's father was with them. They had just grabbed Taco Bell and had pulled up to a stoplight.<p>

Temari was trying to get a hold of Kakuzu to no avail while Hidan was arguing with Gaara.

"Are you sure this man is reliable?" Gaara asked.

"Yeah yeah don't get your panties in a twist, Kakuzu may be an old prick, but he's a reliable old prick in fact-"

Hidan had no idea what compelled him to look over to the right but what he saw made him do a double-take.

"The fuck is Kakuzu doing at a strip club?"

Temari blinked as she saw the babysitter getting dragged in the back by a blonde.

Gaara glared.

"Babe find a place to park, I gotta check this shit out!"

Temari parked as Hidan and Gaara stomped towards the notorious club.

Cars began honking.

Hidan flipped them off.

"Yeah well fuck you to asshole! Can't ya see we're walking here?"

"We are jay-walking Hidan." Gaara reminded him.

"Shut up and keep walking. They won't run us over."

He was dousing himself with holy water as they walked, as though her were preparing to walk into a den of vampires.

"You know this is your kid's fault! She's a bad goddamned influence on my kids!"

"This is solely Tsuru's fault?" Gaara asked in disbelief. "Your daughter is just as bad an influence."

"Psh! Don't blame it on my kid." He suddenly spotted Zetsu. "

Hey freak. You see two girls go in here?" He asked the bouncer.

Zetsu arched a finely plucked eyebrow.

"I see a lot of girls go in here. You're going to have to be a little more descriptive."

"Look the two girls in here are our daughters. I suggest you let us in, I'm sure you don't want your establishment to get in trouble for allowing minors in?"

Zetsu was clearly having a bad night. He grit his teeth and raised his walkie-talkie.

"Names?" He asked as he stepped aside.

* * *

><p><span><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

**Track List:**

**Do You Come From the Land Down Under?-Men at Work**

**Poison-Alice Cooper**

**You Give Love A Bad Name-Bon Jovi**

**Oh boy are they gonna be in deep shit!**


	5. All Hell Breaks Loose

**Babysitting Woes**

**All Hell Breaks Loose**

**Author's Note:**

**As this is her story, Fifilafemme got to **

**pick Kakuzu's heh heh "evening attire." XD**

**I haven't written anything this **

**crack-tastic for a long time!**

* * *

><p>"What the hell do you think your trying to put me in?"<p>

"No! I'm not gonna wear that!"

"If you'd just let me explain-"

Tsunade smiled to herself. It was very obvious that Kakuzu didn't remember her from High School Prom. Revenge could be so very sweet.

* * *

><p>Tenshi was still in an excited daze, Usagi was gushing to Tsuru about Kakashi and how was she was sure he'd smiled at her, Tsuru was still giggling and blushing like crazy over her own daring.<p>

"Hey, isn't that your uncle?" Kaguya's confused voice brought them all back to reality.

A dancer was coming onto the stage. All four school girls looked up as the spotlights hit the muscular man…

"Oh my God!" They said in unison.

"Ha! I knew it! He is your babysitter!" Tenshi crowed.

"What is he wearing?" Kaguya asked.

"Oh my God!" Usagi and Tsuru clapped their hands over their faces and tried to lose themselves in the crowd before they could get spotted.

Usagi wanted to kill Tsuru for that outrageous lie. It had been good for the time, but she never expected it to backfire like THIS!

All hell was about to break loose.

* * *

><p>Hidan walked in and was struck speechless as he beheld the sight of Kakuzu on stage, red and black lacy leggings, old fashioned black, frilly dress, long hair curled slightly at the end, and a dainty black and red hat. His fist was clutching the parasol so tightly it looked like it would snap and his expression was murderous.<p>

Gaara stood beside him, wide eyed and slack-jawed.

Hidan stormed up to the stage, shaking finger pointed at him.

"By Jashin's saggy left nut sack! I always knew you were gay old man! What the fuck is this?"

Kakuzu was clearly in no mood for the priest's bitching.

"Me!" He growled. "I'm not the one who was talking about his God's nut sack!"

He launched himself at Hidan in a fit of fury, smashing his fist into the priest's eye hard enough to break blood vessels.

* * *

><p>Knowing the jig was up, Tsuru and Usagi ran for it.<p>

"I shoulda fucking known that Tenshi'd call our phone. I just can't figure out how the hell she got dad's number." She growled, fingers feverishly punching numbers.

"What are you doing?" She hissed.

"Trust me, she's not gonna get away scot fucking free! Musta made a call when she went to the bathroom."

"We don't have time for this. We're gonna get caught!" Tsuru tugged at Usagi's elbow anxiously, trying to drag her along.

"Too late."

Usagi whirled around.

"Mom!"

"You girls have got a lot of explaining to do."

"Aunt Yugure!" Tsuru whimpered.

* * *

><p>And so the night ended.<p>

Kakuzu and Hidan were hauled off to jail for brawling in public and punching out security when they'd tried to intervene, they both had to pay for the ruined costume, broken dishes, and a busted chair.

Usagi and Tsuru were grounded for several months.

Usagi found a way to bust Tenshi and Kaguya in the process, despite the fact that both were innocent, Kakuzu didn't get paid, permanently souring his long time friendship with Hidan.

**The End**


End file.
